My life is so incredible – what more could I ask for? Sure there is plenty but what I have is just right. This morning I woke up with a headache that was bad enough to make me nauseous, so I stayed in bed until 12:45. Was I happy about it – no, did I have to let it ruin my day – no so I choose to not let it. So I prioritized the day and got started. No rushing no fussing just trying to make the best of it. I choose the shop instead of walking and that makes the second day in a row that I was out there. Now it took me 2 days to turn a ball cap that normally takes me an hour, but it is the 1st time that I have turned since the week before Christmas and it is all to spec!
Monday Kat was off and we had lunch at Hawker’s Asian Streetfare. We love that place. I had the presence of mind to ask if my favorite, Kim Che Fried Rice, could be fixed with less heat and low and behold they could. What a difference it was enjoyable – I guess I’ll start asking more…LOL Next we were off to the tax guy and got 2017 filed then decided to check out IKEA. We really had a great day for her last day of vacation I was really sad to see it end. We did get some cool kitchen ideas for the future. But as usual, I paid for the day out on Tuesday and that is just a cost of doing business. What are the choices again? I have decided that my life is too short to be pissed off or miserable. I have wasted enough days fighting things not in my control and I hope that I am done.
I finished the day by running over to Susie’s and Bernard’s to check in. I love spending time with those guys – they are really important to Kat and I. We are blessed by wonderful friends – I could not imagine life without them. Finally, home to see my wife and hopefully get to bed early. I wish you all a wonderful night.
LESSON OF THE DAY – “When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”
It’s 1:30 in the morning and I know that it is supposed to be a busy day tomorrow so put down the book and roll over. 1:45 “I’ve had the time of my life” plays in my subconscious and I am worrying whether to go to the shop or work on the taxes tomorrow. Shut up Don and go to sleep – just clear your mid and relax. 2:30 I really need to pee, but I can do that when I wake up later, I’ve had the time of my life, stop it with the damn song. Where did I get that? Oh yeah the damn Superbowl commercial. Go to sleep -3:00 are you really going to read again – it’s 3:00 o’clock and you will probably wake Kat – oh what the hell. 3:30 turn off the book and go to sleep. 6:15 Kat’s alarm goes off – I wish she didn’t have to go to work. 7:15 wake up to her getting dressed – I’m such a slug she doesn’t want to go anymore than you want to get up. 9:00 crap I feel like shit but I really need to get up and get on with it – well just pull the covers over your head to block the light and roll over until 10. 1:30 dammit I can’t believe you slept this late again get your lazy ass up and get at it. 2:00 dressed and through the routine take Finn out and fix breakfast the get to your email. 2:45 take your walk with Finn. 3:15 lunch while you make some phone calls. 3:45 taxes I have all day tomorrow to get to the shop -hahahahahahaha. 4:15 crap it’s already time to take a shower and get to yoga. You know that you could miss it tonight but that would be really giving in plus Trisha counts on you to get the room set up and God knows you aren’t getting anything else done. Shit it’s 4:30 get in the shower. 4:50 in the truck and off to San Marco call Tina on the way. 5:35 Arrive and start setting up – put on positive happy face to encourage others and let them know how “good” you are doing. 7:10 head home thinking about all you didn’t get done today what a complete slug you are – how the hell are you going to make it through the Symposium this weekend? 7:50 arrive home and starting to get worn out. Eat dinner that Kat brought home along with the grocery shopping – you lazy ass what did you do today? Phone calls from my brother and nephew while I’m eating and watching Kat relax from her 12 hour day before starting her Alcohol Ink online class. Go to the couch and check the message board to see if anybody else is going through this. You really are depressed Don it sure is a good thing that you made an appointment with Louise for Thursday. Wait dummy you just said it you are depressed and in a rut, I know but I’ve talked about it on the blog and made a post on the discussion board isn’t that it? No dummy remember relief = problem+prayer+action+time not relief = admitting. Okay so you have identified the problem what are you doing about it? You did make the appointment, you discussed it with your peers, you admitted it to Kat, you have started to get outside walking, you are practicing yoga. You are working on the taxes and have talked to the people who need work done and God knows you are praying for the willingness – so how about a break and let the action start to work superman? You know you are right dummy ease up on yourself. 11:00 brush teeth and get in bed, 11:45 turn off book, 9:45 get up.
Today Finn and I got in a walk, then I made some real tax progress and did not once call myself a slug or lazy ass. I have eaten 3 meals and a snack and I made some appointments – Guess what? I feel pretty good about myself. Yes I’m still depressed but I don’t have to feed into it. Some of us are blessed with depression and God knows I come from a gene pool that is swimming with it but I have people to talk to, a God to pray to, someone to hold me when I get down and a place to tell on myself. Just because you are depressed you have options once you realize it and get some help. God knows that I am not perfect, but I’m trying and that I know pleases Him and helps me. My prayer is still to give me the willingness to walk with grace through this process so that my successes will show others Your power to hold and heal if I truly have faith in your plan and do my absolute best to try and follow the instructions provided by those you put in my path to help me.
LESSON OF THE DAY – I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
Monday evening sitting in the couch watching the sun set on a gorgeous day. I wish that I had been able to take more advantage of it but I am thankful for the temperature hike and the sunshine that came with it. Before I forget – Happy Birthday Susie Ross! I hope your day is better than yesterday and not as good as tomorrow! We love you! Now with that done I probably should go back to last Thursday and Friday to get you caught up. They were great days with some promising activity. I walked both days, practiced yoga Thursday night and got the laundry done and most of the house cleaned on Friday. But, you’ve been there with me before, Saturday decided to be the the spoiler of the week and I didn’t roll out until 1:30. Now the problem with getting up at 1:30 is that you don’t get done with mouth-care, dressing and breakfast until 2:30. Then add a chore and a giggle or two and you have pretty much shot your day because you still have 2 meals to eat AND just because you slept all day doesn’t mean you go to bed any later. Kathy tried to boost my spirits with the promise of a trip to Redi Arts and Eco Relics on Sunday but I got up fatigued and moved straight to the couch for a day of napping, TV and couch surfing. I just didn’t have it in me. We had Superbowl and birthday party invites but, to be quite frank, I am freaked out by the flu scare and didn’t really have the energy to go. I can credit Mrs Fantastic for a succulent roast pork dinner with butter beans and roasted brussel sprouts with bacon and Parmesan cheese. Quite tasty and easy on the taste buds and the Eagles for an exciting Superbowl so I really had a pretty nice day. Not what I planned but perfect none-the-less.
Today was a total disaster. I finally fell asleep last night sometime after 3:30 and was up about 6:30. I did not feel good so I got up and got dressed because Jan and Albert were dropping Finn off early this morning for their birthday trip to Louisville. I ended up throwing up and could never go back to sleep so Finn and I laid around and ate simple food all morning together. Feeling guilty we got up and went for a short walk followed by emptying the dishwasher, doing some tax work and hitting the couch until Kat got home. Tomorrow will be better, or it won’t and either way I am OK with the process.
As I mentioned Wednesday, the American Cancer Society discussion board has been a God send. It has really taken a lot of the guesswork out of this time of healing. If nothing else it has reassured me that there is no normal in this phase of our treatment and nothing going on with me hasn’t been experienced by somebody else who can give me tips on how to deal with it. My only complaint is the negative people who can’t seem to get over the fact that these are side effects of being cured of a potentially fatal disease. They complain about the physicians, the treatment, the lack of definitive timelines. Sometimes to the point that I wonder if they would not have been happier if they had gone undiagnosed. Thank goodness they are in the minority and most are as grateful as I am to be given this chance. The only thing you do not see much of is the power of prayer and the belief in a Higher Power so my job, it seems, is to start interjecting some faith to the board.
Alright, that is my story for the day and I am sticking to it….well kinda…I am going to depart with a request for a prayer for continued acceptance and health – Thank You.
LESSON OF THE DAY – “How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?” Paul Sweeney
Here we sit on Sunday night in front of a fire, bellies full of corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots. A day spent watching the Jags – who knew? – playing with art and of course resting. I would like it if it was a touch warmer but I’m not going to complain – the sun was out and that is good.
Rewind to Friday, I burst out of bed with the intention of doing the laundry and cleaning the house because Kat has a 3 day weekend and I really didn’t want her to have to deal with it. 1st, I say burst but it was more like “let’s make a deal.” I’ve described it before, alarm set at 9 with extrication coming about 11:30 – but hey I’m okay with it. And I did get
the house mostly clean and the laundry done expecting a slow day on Saturday. We had a great night eating pizza and watching tv finally settling down in clean sheets – life is good! Saturday my sweetness went over to Leslie’s, her boss, to help with some chores while I recuperated. We spent the rest of the day absorbed in alcohol inks and resin pours. We worked on my 1st bowl project, some test and practice boards and antler pours finally cleaning up our mess about 7 before relaxing to some dateline and more Planet Earth videos.
Today was pretty much a repeat but add cooking and a fire! As I said, life is good. After my rant Thursday night, I decided to surrender to the recovery and let the day dictate my activities and I can report that it has been met with some success. I still feel guilty most of the time but I am trying not to give into it. It is like a free floating anxiety, I can push through it, but when I sit quietly it is still there. It is that feeling that you have something that needs to be done and if you don’t do it something bad is going to happen – almost a fear. Of course it is totally irrational and I said it is diminishing, but it is still there. It helps to do a task -take the cans to the recycling, get some wood for the fire, put the dishes in the dishwasher or pick up a bit. It also helps to offer up silent prayers for God to relieve me of the bondage of self. It is a waiting game filled with mental mind games. Am I withering away? – I should probably begin exercising, am I eating enough greens? – maybe a trip to the store, I do have a job due at the end of February – should I clean the shop? Or should I sit on my flabby ass and get well. Did I say the committees are in session? Of course they are – reality – I have cabin fever – and that is okay. Some changes are in order, but as always I need to reign in the need to exceed. Kathy helped me to decide to begin setting a new routine. The routine of treatment is long gone and the needs of recovery change so much daily that I have gotten out of one and it does me so good. Like they say in the program “fake it until you make it” so I will begin establishing a new routine to pass the day. To that end I will try to go to yoga again this week. I may not be able to get through the practice but each trip will be better and it is a responsibility. The second thing will be a walk. I will start at 5 minutes and see how that goes. And that is it, as you well know, I could easily set myself up for failure by planning every minute so I will start small. With that I will bid you goodnight and retire with a new sense of hope and purpose.
LESSON OF THE DAY- “Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can’t build on it – it’s only good for wallowing in.” Katherine Mansfield
You are going to get tired of hearing this but I am really struggling. I know that I have been done with treatment for 7 weeks and I’ll give in to the two weeks after treatment so we are at 5 weeks since treatment ended. You know me, I went and did some research (this is the place where you say “Crap why did he do that?”) and the average time for return to work for my cancer and treatment is 14.5 weeks after release. So in hard numbers that 5 weeks turns into 2 weeks and that puts me at April 23rd before I am statistically expected to be at a point where I feel good enough to return to work at a reduced rate. UGGGGGGG. It does explain some things, but does it make me feel any better? Not really but I will get through it, relying on God, one day at a time and with your help.
This all started, like I told you, Monday when I slept until my normal noon and called Carlene and she told me I was doing really well. So, after doing the meeting Monday night and doctors appointments Tuesday, I was going to meet Tina on Wednesday for lunch. With the most noble of intentions, I set my alarm for 9, and after 2 hits on the snooze button remembered Tina was going to call when she left St Augustine, so I turned off the alarm and dozed until she called about 10:15. Well, I immediately fell back to sleep and woke up at 11:15 – the time I was supposed to meet her. Much to my dismay, I called and canceled because I could not get up, rolled over, and went back to bed until 2:30. I finally got up, moved to the couch until Kat got home, ate dinner, soaked in the tub and was back in bed by 8:30. I was totally wiped out, I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting different results, but it has been 4 days since my birthday – come on I should be over that!
I am human, I need time to repair from chemicals and radiation that have been pumped into my body over a 6 week period. Cancer, lack of sleep, modified diet, loss of hair and beard, change of appetite and taste, having to treat a changing myriad of shifting ailments, loss of physical and mental stamina and yes this is normal, but I don’t have to like it. But I do have to accept it and live it with the dignity and grace I ask God to show me. And I can do that by remembering that you are out there rooting for me, that Kathy loves me and sees the “big picture” better than me, that Jan and my family are here for my help and most of all that God loves me and will take care of all my needs. I am human therefore imperfect and every emotion that I feel and situation I encounter is a part of this thing called life given to me by God. I must learn from my shortcomings and share my good fortune and from that comes contentment, acceptance and happiness.
LESSON OF THE DAY-
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.
So much has been going on – so little time, mea culpa for my absence. We left off last Friday on my birthday and I am so glad that it is over and I can get back to some normalcy. The next celebrations are my mother’s and sister’s birthdays February 9th and 11th and I have already bailed on those festivities. Jan and I normally head to Louisville for the big occasion but I am going to forgo the plane trip, infectious winter diseases, cold weather and a week of running around for a boring but safer and less stressful week at home. I will make the trip when I have a little more energy and a stronger immune system. Saturday we both slept until 11 then got up to go pick up the truck and as with any automobile adventure it was a disaster. Before we left Kathy transferred money to the checking account and away we went. Well she drops me off, kisses me goodbye and heads for home while I stroll in to pay Ted and pick up the keys. I get to the counter, Ted rings me up, I swipe the card and declined. I say we just transferred the cash and Ted suggests we try it as credit and you guessed it declined again. So I sheepishly ask if I’m okay until Monday and of course I am because the Mercury keeps Tubel’s afloat and they don’t even wants me considering going anyplace else. So with keys in hand and spring in my step I glide out to the truck, open the door, wallow in the magic of sitting in my own vehicle, a free man – no longer dependent on the whims of others to transport me, I turn the key and nothing, nada, no bells, dings or juice in the battery. So back into see Ted who sends out the mechanic to jump me. As he is jumping the battery the mechanic says “you know you ought to consider replacing that battery soon it’s getting kind of weak” – you would be very proud of me for not raining on his parade – its like you had the *@$% truck for a week, I spent $2,600, why didn’t you just put in a stinking battery???? But I just thanked him for getting me back on the road shook his hand and drove home happy and free. Oh and after a call to Wells Fargo, I found out I have a $2,000 daily limit and without blowing a gasket nicely asked for it to be raised.
That being handled, we came home and got ready for a birthday dinner at Picasso’s with Albert, Jan, Will and Jessa. We had a wonderful meal and a terrific time, but before we were done I was ready to fall into my plate! Kat and I came home, sat on the couch for a bit and laughed about the day. Needless to say the bed was a welcome respite, so much so that I slept until 3 the next afternoon – and if that wasn’t enough I was back in bed by 9.
Monday, Kat woke me up about noon with a phone call and I immediately went into a funk over all this sleeping. I started second guessing the whole healing process and what I am going through, well it was short lived. I called Carlene at the Center and right off the bat she is surprised at how good I sound and I launch into the yeah I sound good, but should I still be sleeping 12 hours a day? Well, when she quit laughing, she told me she wouldn’t be surprised if I wasn’t sleeping more. She told me that if was still consistently going on in 6 months we would have a chat, but even then the 12 hour night will often be in my repertoire. Crisis abated I worked on some woodturning stuff and got ready for our meeting that night. It was good to see the crowd and begin to think about woodturning again. I really miss being in the shop with the smells, the creating, the shavings and the feeling of accomplishment when a job is done. It will come, but the warming days bring on the anticipation.
Today I got up at 6am for doctor appointments….wooohooo! It was really good timing because I had Dr. Moy my the ENT and Dr Trish Andrews my dermatologist. Dr Moy scoped me and checked my ears and found nothing out of the ordinary and several things on the good side. He says that I am healing well and that I look terrific. The staff each sat a minute with me and shared that they were all worried and wanted to call to check on me but were so happy that I am doing so well. It was very humbling and brought tears to my eyes that in some way I have become a part of so many peoples lives through this journey. I finished the day with Dr Trish who told me the ears, the pealing skin and all the other funky things happening to me are just unfortunate reactions due to having my body pumped with radiation and chemotherapy and that eventually it would all clear up – then she smiled as she froze 3 spots on the top of my head. Pre-cancer from sun exposure so wear your hat and sunscreen.
All and all it has been four days that have become so familiar in my life and yours. So familiar that I don’t see the forest for the trees all the time. I forget that day to day this is all about cancer. Diagnosis, treatment, healing and hoping that we got it. Food, sleep, ups, downs, people, places, regimes, pains, peeling, are just the things we do for a cure. Birthdays, Christmas, New Year, love, family, friends, broken trucks, broken lathes, and jobs are the things we fight it for. God continues to bless me with hope, help, love and understanding – wonderful friends to pick me up and help me fight – a family committed to the cure, and giving, loving wife to hold my hand and comfort me. And that God of my understanding to guide me. Thank you.
LESSON OF THE DAY – “Faith ultimately can’t be argued; faith has to be felt.”
Happy birthday to me! In my 63 years, yep you saw that right, I have never really gotten used to having my birthday so close to Christmas. For me, by the time you get through December with all the Christmas parties, Christmas eve, Christmas day, New Years eve, New Year’s day the last thing that I want to do is celebrate again. Then comes the whole “what do you want for your birthday?” To be truthful, not much since Christmas was just 10 days ago and I told you Santa was kind to me. To her credit Kathy does a pretty good job. This year she gave me 4 new ear rings…..very cool – a gecko and sword for me and a “swirley dwerly” and lips for her. Tomorrow night dinner with Jan and Albert?
I am not in a good spot if you can’t tell. It’s not the
birthday, it is just a bought of my January funk. The winter before I left Kentucky I was standing at the door looking at the snow and I was crying. Seasonal depressive disorder. If it rains for a week, Kathy would prefer that I move to Jan’s than to deal with me. I have been going down hill all this week and with a little help from Kathy put it all together today. I was cruising, as as before, until I had a couple of mild setbacks. First the weather has been raining or freezing and I was not getting enough sun, and second my back started peeling and itching and my ear is doing something weird and oozy. I have been so focused on my neck, I did not realize that my head was so dry. I just need to ask God for serenity and pay more attention to it all. It’s hard for me to fight the urge to be “normal.” I did give myself a break with staying in out of the cold and did rest, but I just gave myself a pity party and I am OK with that, been through it too many times. I’m getting way better about realizing it, and it doesn’t hurt that Kat knows when I am in it. It is so much better than was. God, therapy, and people that love me and ones that see me 7 days a week have taught me it’s okay, it is real and I can do something about it.
So I end a crappy cold week, rested, addressing my new conditions but best of all, ready to get back to it – a little older, a little wiser. I have my 6 month appointment with my dermatologist and the follow-up with Dy Moy, the ENT that did my biopsies, on Tuesday, so I will buff up on what to expect with my skin and ears. God, prayers, people and I am OK again.
LESSON OF THE DAY – “Logic itself will not lead me to God, but my love of the world and my gratitude to it will.” Steven Colbert