2 months since the last treatment – what a blur! I wish that I could tell you I was better, and I know that I am, I just don’t see it or feel it. I know that I am better it is just a matter of a different set of evolving issues. Days come and go highlighted by my time with Kat on the weekends and visits to yoga and the weird symptom of the week. We did have a visit from my niece Abby. She was in town visiting from Oregon and came over last Wednesday to dabble in alcohol ink, do a bit of wood burning and catch up with her crazy ol’ Uncle and Aunt. We must have been pretty intriguing because she ended up spending the night. This weekend Kat and I walked together with our buddy Finn. Jan and Albert went with our friends Julie and Ham to go zip lining over around Ocala and left our buddy with us for the day.
I know all of the reasons – cold weather, cloudy skies, rain, the need to sleep, healing, fewer daylight hours, and a propensity toward depression, but I realized that I am depressed and knowing all the reasons doesn’t change the reality. Now I’m not in a place where I would consider harming myself, but just in a state of general funk, all that I seem to do is just sleep, eat, treat and repeat. It is strange place for me to be, especially when I don’t feel good. I find myself second guessing every decision. When I roll back over in bed at 9am is it because I’m still tired or that I don’t want to get up. Am I too tired to go to the shop or just depressed? Am I cold or feel the need to crawl under a blanket on the couch? Now my decision is usually bolstered by my ability to go to sleep but that just makes me want to question why. Familiarity to the disease and not willing to go there is one of my defense mechanisms and usually results in grasping for support. 1st act was reaching out to my friend Sam who went through this same cancer several years ago only to be reminded that we are all different and I am where my body is supposed to be. Friday was my monthly phone conversation with Chris, my OPTUM Health nurse. We spent some time talking about where I was energy wise, what I can expect and how do I measure up – you know me Mr Competition. I always struggle when we have these conversations, because it is always predicated on the premise that we are all different. Then they tell you you are well and that some people don’t get to where you are for a year! Sweet Jesus find me a cliff if I felt like this for a YEAR! – Enter FEAR!! But I did buck up and told her that I was beginning to feel funky and a bit depressed. Her first question – “Are you taking your anti-depressant?” Oh HELL YES! I would sell Sydney to make sure that I have my Pristiq. The second was “would you like to talk to one of our counselors? Duh! After the call I immediately scheduled an appointment with my Therapist Louise who got me through Sally’s illness and death. As a final step I logged on to the American Cancer Society’s discussion boards and chatted with people who are going through the same treatment and recovery. And as I suspected, I am just where I am supposed to be. There are people doing better and some not so good but we all understand the mental and physical torture that we are going through. And you can give some tips to the folks that are just starting.
Have you heard it before? Problem + Action + Prayer = Relief. So simple yet so elusive, but it works if you work it. The questions begin to disappear when I admit that I have a problem and seek to relieve it. Yes it is too cold to go to the shop so do your tax preparation, yes you are tired from your walk take a nap. And from Kathy, a week is too long to wait between posts you do better when you talk about it.
LESSON OF THE DAY – “We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly – spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order.” Susan Taylor