Here we sit on Sunday night in front of a fire, bellies full of corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots. A day spent watching the Jags – who knew? – playing with art and of course resting. I would like it if it was a touch warmer but I’m not going to complain – the sun was out and that is good.
Rewind to Friday, I burst out of bed with the intention of doing the laundry and cleaning the house because Kat has a 3 day weekend and I really didn’t want her to have to deal with it. 1st, I say burst but it was more like “let’s make a deal.” I’ve described it before, alarm set at 9 with extrication coming about 11:30 – but hey I’m okay with it. And I did get
the house mostly clean and the laundry done expecting a slow day on Saturday. We had a great night eating pizza and watching tv finally settling down in clean sheets – life is good! Saturday my sweetness went over to Leslie’s, her boss, to help with some chores while I recuperated. We spent the rest of the day absorbed in alcohol inks and resin pours. We worked on my 1st bowl project, some test and practice boards and antler pours finally cleaning up our mess about 7 before relaxing to some dateline and more Planet Earth videos.
Today was pretty much a repeat but add cooking and a fire! As I said, life is good. After my rant Thursday night, I decided to surrender to the recovery and let the day dictate my activities and I can report that it has been met with some success. I still feel guilty most of the time but I am trying not to give into it. It is like a free floating anxiety, I can push through it, but when I sit quietly it is still there. It is that feeling that you have something that needs to be done and if you don’t do it something bad is going to happen – almost a fear. Of course it is totally irrational and I said it is diminishing, but it is still there. It helps to do a task -take the cans to the recycling, get some wood for the fire, put the dishes in the dishwasher or pick up a bit. It also helps to offer up silent prayers for God to relieve me of the bondage of self. It is a waiting game filled with mental mind games. Am I withering away? – I should probably begin exercising, am I eating enough greens? – maybe a trip to the store, I do have a job due at the end of February – should I clean the shop? Or should I sit on my flabby ass and get well. Did I say the committees are in session? Of course they are – reality – I have cabin fever – and that is okay. Some changes are in order, but as always I need to reign in the need to exceed. Kathy helped me to decide to begin setting a new routine. The routine of treatment is long gone and the needs of recovery change so much daily that I have gotten out of one and it does me so good. Like they say in the program “fake it until you make it” so I will begin establishing a new routine to pass the day. To that end I will try to go to yoga again this week. I may not be able to get through the practice but each trip will be better and it is a responsibility. The second thing will be a walk. I will start at 5 minutes and see how that goes. And that is it, as you well know, I could easily set myself up for failure by planning every minute so I will start small. With that I will bid you goodnight and retire with a new sense of hope and purpose.
LESSON OF THE DAY- “Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can’t build on it – it’s only good for wallowing in.” Katherine Mansfield